


giving up

by nonstandardx



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, No Beta We Die Like August, Slight itatsumu but not tagging it so the tag doesn’t get clogged, Vomiting, it's based on paubaya this isn't getting a happy ending, smoking mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29491437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonstandardx/pseuds/nonstandardx
Summary: In the shadows of a dimly lit practice room, Chikage and Itaru patch up the pieces of their broken relationship. Sometimes, giving up is the best thing you can do for the person you'd entrust your life to.This is a fact of life: there are people that you'll meet, fall in love with, then grow apart.Inspired by Moira Dela Torre's Paubaya.
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru/Utsuki Chikage
Comments: 12
Kudos: 18





	giving up

**Author's Note:**

> my brain
> 
> that mv killed me
> 
> i'm so sad
> 
> here's the brainrot
> 
> i'm sorry ckit and ittsm shippers

It was on an ordinary evening lit up with stars and building lights when Itaru and Chikage moved from “just friends” to “something more”.

Finally, Chikage got over his emotional constipation and confessed that he saw Itaru as, in his words, “someone to protect”. On a different level as compared to everyone else.

Itaru had played enough dating sims to know what he meant.

“I love you too Senpai.” 

He smiled and grasped Chikage’s hands in his own. Looking into the other’s eyes rimmed with exhaustion, he thought about how he would like to give the man a good night’s sleep. Preferably with cuddles (wow, intimate much?).

“ Chigasaki.” Chikage called out his name, eyes turned away. “I’m afraid, though, that this may put you in danger. This is no laughing matter. They’ll know.”

Chikage released one of his own hands and placed it on Itaru’s cheek, stroking it tenderly. 

“They’ll know that you’re my weakness.”

Itaru leaned into Chikage’s touch and let the warmth seep through him. Who cares? He felt invincible. Chikage had been able to get their entire troupe through anything. 

“Heh. It’s like you’re Mario and I’m Princess Peach.” Itaru chuckled. “Your princess is in another castle and all that. Don’t worry, Senpai. I don’t mind being your damsel in distress.”

* * *

It was on an ordinary evening, in a practice room, lit up by the barest of lights when Itaru and Chikage moved from “something more” to “strangers who’d know each other by a single laugh”.

Tears are falling down Itaru’s face, he’s choked up and crying, in a way that he hadn’t since Spring Troupe’s first play. Itaru prides himself on not being a crier (they had made fun of him for that so he swallowed up his tears and buried them so deep he forgot how true sadness felt); but it’s like something in himself cracked. There are words he’s trying to say but he can’t breathe and Chikage’s looking down on him behind his metal framed glasses. Is Chikage breaking too?

After taking several deep breaths and fruitless attempts at wiping away his tears, Itaru speaks first.

“I’m sorry, Chikage - no, Senpai.”

Chikage’s trying to hold himself back from breaking, remembering his training in keeping his emotions hidden. He knows how to prevent fear from arising, to quell panic and look his enemies in the eye with piercing cold glares. To not give away information even when under the threat of death.

Preventing what was about to happen between him and his lover was a matter entirely more difficult. He was right when he said Itaru was his weakness. How he wished he could go back and redo everything differently. His thoughts go through contingency plan after contingency plan and then, blank space. There’s only one other way to reply.

“No, Itaru. The fault here is mine.”

* * *

Their first official date ended with Chikage hastily dropping off Itaru at the Mankai dorms. They were about to kiss when a ring from Chikage’s phone interrupted their moment.

Chikage took a glance at his phone and cursed. 

“Sorry, Chiga - Itaru.” He was still getting used to calling his new partner by his first name. “It’s headquarters.”

“Really?” Itaru pouted. Chikage thought he looked adorable, not that he would admit it without a backhanded retort. “First date ruiners.”

Chikage laughed. He’ll have to make it up to Itaru later. Knowing his habit of late night gaming, there would probably be enough time for well, what couples do in bedrooms.

“Wait for me, Itaru.” Chikage leaned in and whispered into Itaru’s ear. “I’m sure you can pass the time with your so-called waifus.”   
Itaru flushed and pushed Chikage away lightly.

“Look here, you unromantic senpai. I’m committed to you and only you. Just be back before morning.”

Unfortunately, the mission was longer and harder than what he had expected. Chikage finished what he had set out to do around lunch time the next day.

He met Itaru at work, noticing the poorly applied concealer underneath his partner’s red rimmed eyes. 

* * *

"Shut up.” Itaru spits out, feeling guilt overtake his body. 

Once again, Chikage’s putting the blame on himself and Itaru hates his own heart for betraying him, because Chikage had reasons, and Itaru knew. He knew that Chikage wouldn’t be able to treat him like a normal boyfriend. He knew that he’d get hurt. He knew that would mean nights of no communication, no contact, late replies, and life-or-death situations. 

But hell, Itaru’s only human. A human who’s too exhausted and given up too much.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He just keeps repeating himself, like an NPC who’s stuck repeating the same lines of code. “I’m tired. I gave you what I could and I’m so tired.”

Chikage wants to walk across the gap separating them and envelop Itaru in a hug but he needs to give him space. Restrain yourself, he says in his internal monologue. Just say what you need to say before you start sobbing. You can’t, you can’t, he says in vain, as he starts to taste salt in his mouth.

“I couldn’t protect you either. I’m sorry.”

* * *

“I’ll be out tonight.”

Itaru read the text on his phone and sighed. Looked like their planned gaming session was a bust. Like a lot of other dates. But you know, that’s what happened when you were dating someone who goes on missions involving sketchy things. Weird things happen when you’re dating a possible video game protagonist, after all.

He tried not to let his heart get too heavy and decided to do a cool boyfriend thing that he thought of while thumbing through a shoujo manga Muku left on the counter that morning. Cooking is a trope, right? He prepared his own share of instant ramen when he was living by himself. Itaru knows how to not burn the stove. And he beat Banri in Overcooked so that counts for something.

Itaru looked through Mankai’s pantry and found Chikage’s favorite super spicy ramen. Well, here goes nothing.

Thankfully, nothing happened and Itaru was able to not set the dorms on fire. He left a post-it on the cover of the bowl of ramen saying “Recharge your HP with this, Chikage! - Itaru”

Just cute boyfriend things.

Itaru ignored the part of his brain telling him that there’s a hollow feeling in his heart.

Chikage found the bowl the following day. He never threw away the post-it.

* * *

Shit. Chikage knew this kind of thing would happen someday.

He was driving to the dorms over the speed limit and Itaru’s covered in bruises and scrapes. In addition, he inhaled a drug so he’s definitely not lucid.

“Chikage Utsuki. Senpai. I feel like piss. Hey noob.” Itaru was spouting out nonsense and Chikage had to get him home immediately. 

Chikage was lucky to find Itaru when he did. Some idiots had captured Itaru, hoping to lure him out. They were easy enough to dispatch but Itaru was who he had been worried about. And then HQ had to give him yet another mission so he only had enough time to drop Itaru off at the dorms.

“Hey. Chikage.” Itaru’s whining took Chikage out of the thoughts running through his head. “I hit my head.”

“I know.” Chikage exhaled. He glanced to the side and saw the familiar gate enclosing the Mankai dormitory. After hastily parking the car, Chikage unfastens his seatbelt and headed over to Itaru’s side to help him out of his seat.

“I’m going to hurl, fuck-” Itaru let out a curse before vomiting on the sidewalk. 

Chikage rubbed circles on Itaru’s back all the while. He did that. He wasn’t able to protect Itaru properly and this is all he could do.

* * *

One week. One week of Chikage coming home late to Itaru asleep on the couch instead of his bed, game controller in hand.

Itaru already had a fucked up sleeping schedule and he’s used to all nighters but there’s only so much energy drinks and coffee could get you. If he pushed himself any further, he’d get a head cold. Can’t have that with work coming up.

Being in love makes you do stupid, reckless, things that you wouldn’t do. Now he thought that he understood what his co-workers were saying. How you’d let yourself run on empty until your lover comes home and you’re recharged, even if only it would last a few hours.

“You’re the normalcy I’ve always craved.” 

Chikage had told him that, once, while he was sat on his lap. The man’s arms around his own, head on Itaru’s shoulder. Itaru was busy playing but he savoured every word that came out of Chikage’s mouth.

Back then, he had taken it as a compliment of the highest caliber. And now, he still keeps it stored within his memory bank. But now, he just wants the same thing.

Itaru wants someone to greet him when he comes home. Someone who’ll run lines with him if they had a little time after rehearsals. Someone who’ll cuddle with him before they sleep and tell him that everything’s going to be alright.

* * *

One week. One week of leaving Itaru behind.

Chikage would come back to Itaru on the couch, a blanket covering him. He’d whisper apologies and kiss him on the forehead. His partner, too deep in his sleep, would only greet him with a flutter of eyelashes.

There was one night Chikage treasured, deep in his worn out bones. He came home covered in minor injuries, cuts and bruises, nothing he couldn’t take care of himself. But Itaru looked at him, uncharacteristic concern in those eyes of his.

Itaru had been the one to get the first aid kit. He applied the ointment on each scrape. Itaru bandaged each one of them and kissed the areas afterwards. No words were spoken. Chikage did not want to be the one to break the moment.

“I’m happy you’re alive.” Itaru whispered in a voice as soft as utterances made in secret places. This was theirs to own.

Well, that was what Chikage thought at that time.

It all came crashing down when he caught Itaru and Tsumugi holding hands on their couch.

* * *

“I’m sorry.” 

Itaru gasps. He’s given up on wiping away his tears so he’s letting them run down his face. Why does Chikage always have to act like he’s the villain when it was actually his fault. Itaru hurt him, he took the trust Chikage gave him and disposed of it.

“I know you just wanted a normal life.” Itaru continues.

Chikage crosses his arms and digs his nails into his arms, letting the pain offer a momentary distraction. He tears his eyes away from the man crying in front of him.

“I couldn’t give you a normal life.” 

The confession slips from Chikage's mouth.

“We tried, didn’t we? We tried to make it work. We did our best.”

Itaru’s voice echoes from across the room.

Chikage can feel his lips threatening to give out, to rant and cry, just like what Itaru is doing, but he has to retain his composure.

“Yes.”

That single word causes Itaru to break down even further.

He knows the single truth. Chikage tried his best. Chikage tried to make it work. It was Itaru who made the fateful decision to reverse their social link.

It was a simple fact.

Tsumugi _ had been there when Chikage wasn’t. _

After that end of their first date, Tsumugi checked in on Itaru. Itaru showed Tsumugi how to play Animal Crossing and Tsumugi created a beautiful island that he would fill with the prettiest flowers.

When Itaru had the grand idea of cooking for Chikage, Tsumugi helped him not burn the place to the ground. Even though his specialities were just egg recipes, he knew how to operate the stove and where the materials were.

When Itaru was dropped off after being kidnapped, Tsumugi patched up Itaru and spent that night watching over him. Itaru woke up the following day to the Winter Troupe leader sleeping beside him. 

Tsumugi didn’t know about them because they were keeping their relationship a secret. But being with Tsumugi felt like being in love all over again.

_ And Itaru was so, very, tired. _

“I wish I could’ve been there.” Chikage speaks up once more. “Please forgive me.”

“No, Chikage.”

Itaru can’t take it. The guilt is eating him up and refusing to let him go. He won’t let Chikage beat himself up anymore.

“I’m sorry. You don’t need to forgive me.”

Itaru crumples to the ground and the stream of tears turns into a raging river. He lets out a wail and finally allows the guilt to pull him in and drown.

Out of nowhere, Itaru feels arms envelop him. The scent of spicy cologne follows. Itaru reflexively reaches up to touch one of Chikage’s arms.

“You’ll be happy now, right?” Chikage utters.

Itaru tries to ignore Chikage’s breath on his neck but fails. More tears spill from his eyes, as if he didn’t cry enough already.

“I want you to be happy also.”

Itaru’s words break the thin walls Chikage put up and he hugs onto Itaru tighter, his body heaving with broken sighs. He was sure his tears were soaking through onto Itaru but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Happiness? It wasn’t something he deserved. Happiness was a selfish thing.

But, his time with Itaru. 

_ That was happiness. _

Memories flash through his mind, a final swan song to the moments that were theirs.

The pining in the air that was their first meeting at work.

Smoke breaks where Itaru conveniently forgot his lighter so could he ask Chikage for a light?

Joining Mankai and acting together on stage. Finding a family he could finally be a part of.

A confession on a night like any other.

Arcade dates where they attempted to get high scores on every game.

Breakfast dates in nearby cafes, talking shit about bosses and toxic colleagues.

Itaru showing him how to play all his favorite games. 

Chikage coming home to kisses under their sheets.

And now.

One last embrace.

“Thank you.” Chikage manages to choke out. 

They stay like that for a long while, tears not drying; holding onto each other because they knew that if one of them were to let go, it would all end.

Chikage takes a deep breath. He was the one with more experience in leaving and because he knew that this would happen eventually, he made preparations.

“I’ll let go now, Itaru.” 

Itaru grips Chikage’s arm out of instinct. 

“Wait, not yet-” Itaru interjects, knowing it’s no use, but he just wants Chikage to stay, just a little while longer.

“Take care of yourself. Thank you for everything. I was happy.” 

Chikage loosens his hold and gets up, and slowly, lets Itaru’s hand slip from his. 

He steps towards the door to the practice room and closes it, not looking back at all. Seeing Itaru would only make it harder.

And he wants his last image to be Itaru’s smile from his memories.

* * *

Itaru heads back to their, no his room, and he looks over to Chikage’s side. He’s gone.

He’s about to collapse on his bed when he notices a small note on his pillow. Intrigued, he picks it up. There’s no writing on the outside. He unfolds it and checks what’s inside.

A single sentence written in handwriting he couldn’t mistake for anyone else.

_ “I entrust you to him.” _

Itaru crumples the note and hugs it against his chest, letting the tears spill once again.

  
  



End file.
